Defining and maintaining healthy relationships

By Morgan Hillman | Contributor

Younger generations typically define a romantic relationship in terms of passionate feeling and shared interest. This creates the notion that a perfect relationship can be obtained. Some people even create a checklist of every trait that someone must or must not have.

Augusta University lecturer Erin Briggs said this is a misguided focus.

“People need to identify what their core values are,” said Briggs, who teaches psychology and studies personality. “What are their goals? What are their morals? What are their values?”

Briggs claims that these criteria and checklists are not what a healthy relationship is comprised of, and actually come from unrealistic goals created by the culture.

“Perfection comes from media,” said Briggs. “[It creates] a false idea that you have to find someone that fits every single box.”

The standard of relationships today tends to rely on the feel-good highs of puppy love, often substituting superficial perceptions of a partner in the place of understanding what a person desires from life and how they communicate those needs.

“One of the most harmful messages I’ve noticed in media is the assumption that when you find the one, things will fall into place, and there will be no differences or arguments…which is not true,” said Briggs. “Couples need to practice communication, and they need to practice giving feedback.”

Even though the media is known for producing chick flicks and romance novels that gloss over the hard work that goes into maintaining a relationship, Briggs noted that if couples choose awareness of the nature of their romance, a successful relationship will have room to grow.

“We all can start out in different places…but love is a constant working effort,” she said.

Additionally, Briggs said that each relationship goes through phases. Unlike media portrayals, no relationship is able to maintain the momentum of being persistently enamored by one person for the duration of their love.

“We have different types of love. There’s passion, intimacy and companionship that make consummate love,” she said. “We won’t always have consummate love, but that’s not a bad thing.”

Embracing hardship and difficulty is necessary in the success of any relationship, according to Briggs, and when the going gets tough, couples should know the resources that are at their disposal.

“Couple’s counseling is one option,” said Briggs.

Therapy can be a long and expensive process, but couples can learn how to hear each other and work through hardship as a team. Therapy is also not exclusive to being a last resort for couples; couples are recommended to go before serious relationship issues such a resentment and bitterness arise.

“It’s also important to realize that not every therapist is the perfect fit for a couple,” said Briggs.

Counseling may not be on the radar for some individuals. So, there are other resources, but they require another level of discernment towards their usefulness.

“I recommend caution with self-help books,” said Briggs, “and couples [should] be critical of websites and avoid magazine quizzes.”

According to Briggs, audiences should understand these materials by critically analyzing “what are they asking us to do, and is it working,” and with that, couples that question the legitimacy and results of these tools can assess the genuine health of their overall relationship and better pursue the person they choose to love.

At top of page, healthy relationships take work and a dose of reality. (photo by Codi Kimball)

Contact Morgan Hillman at mhillman@augusta.edu.

This story is published in the Monday, Oct. 25, 2021 print edition of The Bell Ringer.